Haven’t written in a while, and I didn’t exactly have some crazy rush of inspiration, but I’ll jot down a life story while I’m procrastinating. A lot of these thoughts are uncomfortable for me to admit in a public setting like Tumblr, but I guess this is the direction I wanted my Tumblr to go in the first place.
I had a lot of online friends when I was in high school, mostly from video games that I started to play. Going to an all guys school, I also had a hard time fitting in and creating an identity that I could be proud of. So when I first started talking to these friends online(mostly girls), with nothing for them to judge me by except for my personality, it was an amazing experience for little young Axel.
As I would talk to them and get closer though, they started coming to me with a lot of problems. Usually with the typical online friendship/relationship drama that seems petty now, but was some serious serious business when you’re actually going through it.
And me with all my fabricated, pseudo wisdom, would try my absolute best to be this amazing sage with great advice and words of comfort. I’d let them all know how much it meant to me that they’d confide in me, and encouraged them to always seek me out if they ever needed more advice.
I ended up digging this hole for myself, where I felt like I needed to be absolutely perfect when dealing with these situations. I needed to say the perfect sentence when the timing was right, let them keep typing/talking if they just wanted to rant, send forth a little “*hugs*” when appropriate, etc. I wanted to be this perfect guy, who people could come to with all their problems and I’d just magically fix it.
That’s what drew me towards the study of Psychology more than anything else. The desire to know exactly what to do when someone came to me distressed. I wanted to be a hero, a great friend. But mostly, I just wanted to be admired and needed.
Fastforward to me now in my senior year of college. I’m studying Psychology, on the track to becoming a Clinical Psychologist. And I fucking suck. I have less motivation to get work done than an inanimate chair. I spend all-nighters playing videogames and reading reddit instead of getting work done. I’m barely doing anything towards helping achieve my goal of becoming a Psychologist.
…and I’m stuck wondering if this is all because my goal, my career path, is founded upon some petty, childish motivation like wanting to be a cool guy for a bunch of girls on the internet.