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I get so nervous when my humor is so meta that it’s like…3 levels deep, but it only makes sense if the other person can see past the dumb/unfunny first levels, and get to the level I intended

/meta

I can’t think of a single time where I was like, “Wow, I’m glad I was shy, reserved, and held myself back inside the safety of my own comfort zone.”

Almost all of the amazing outcomes in my college life have come from putting myself out there, and risking the blow to my self esteem. Getting a girlfriend, getting 3 jobs, getting research, making new friends, learning how to dance, etc.

There’s definitely something to this.

Discovering Myself

At this point in time, I am just as lost as to who I am as I was when I first came to college. Maybe it’s the latenight, freetime woes that force me to get too deep into my own thoughts.

But I feel like the only thing that has grown has been my reputation. Everything else has remained stagnant for the last 4 years.

Haven’t written in a while, and I didn’t exactly have some crazy rush of inspiration, but I’ll jot down a life story while I’m procrastinating. A lot of these thoughts are uncomfortable for me to admit in a public setting like Tumblr, but I guess this is the direction I wanted my Tumblr to go in the first place.

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I had a lot of online friends when I was in high school, mostly from  video games that I started to play. Going to an all guys school, I also had a hard time fitting in and creating an identity that I could be proud of. So when I first started talking to these friends online(mostly girls), with nothing for them to judge me by except for my personality, it was an amazing experience for little young Axel.

As I would talk to them and get closer though, they started coming to me with a lot of problems. Usually with the typical online friendship/relationship drama that seems petty now, but was some serious serious business when you’re actually going through it.

And me with all my fabricated, pseudo wisdom, would try my absolute best to be this amazing sage with great advice and words of comfort. I’d let them all know how much it meant to me that they’d confide in me, and encouraged them to always seek me out if they ever needed more advice.

I ended up digging this hole for myself, where I felt like I needed to be absolutely perfect when dealing with these situations. I needed to say the perfect sentence when the timing was right, let them keep typing/talking if they just wanted to rant, send forth a little “*hugs*” when appropriate, etc. I wanted to be this perfect guy, who people could come to with all their problems and I’d just magically fix it.

That’s what drew me towards the study of Psychology more than anything else. The desire to know exactly what to do when someone came to me distressed. I wanted to be a hero, a great friend. But mostly, I just wanted to be admired and needed.

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Fastforward to me now in my senior year of college. I’m studying Psychology, on the track to becoming a Clinical Psychologist. And I fucking suck. I have less motivation to get work done than an inanimate chair. I spend all-nighters playing videogames and reading reddit instead of getting work done. I’m barely doing anything towards helping achieve my goal of becoming a Psychologist.


…and I’m stuck wondering if this is all because my goal, my career path, is founded upon some petty, childish motivation like wanting to be a cool guy for a bunch of girls on the internet.


real talk.

Maybe your own dignity is something that shouldn’t ever be compromised unless it’s in defense of someone else’s dignity. Cleaning up someone else’s mess is demeaning, unless it’s to save the dignity of whoever eventually has to do it. Getting your ass beat is demeaning, unless it’s to defend someone else from getting their ass beat.

and so on

It’s frightening to think about how fast your mind adapts to fit the circumstances.
Two days ago, I was lying on the warm Philippine bed, with nothing on my mind but my grandparents, my nephews, seeing my best friend Martin, and all the books I’ve been reading. I was fully in vacation-mode, with nothing but family and relaxing on my mind.

I’ve been in Stony for less than 12 hours, and the Philippines already feels like a distant memory. I’ve spend almost all of my waking moments planning RA stuff, moving in, wondering about my classes, how Stony Brook has changed, etc. In an instant, my whole mindset, thoughts, and attitude that I had in the Philippines changed completely the moment I moved back into college.

I don’t know how to feel about this

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