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It’s hard to write when you don’t know what you want to say. But maybe getting over that hurdle is what makes one’s writing meaningful in the first place.

I wonder if I’ll achieve that any time soon

The distress I get when I have to kill a bug, especially a larger one, is enormous.

I always thought it was unreasonable, since after all, squashing bugs without remorse seems like just a regular part of every day life.

But lets say a baby chipmunk, or squirrel, or bird found its way into our houses. Would peoples’ first reaction be to instantly pulverize it, and then wipe away the mess? I mean, yeah, most bugs have features that are  more threatening than that of a chipmunk. But aren’t we educated and advanced enough as a species to recognize/learn which bugs are actually threatening, and which ones are harmless?

And if we have that knowledge, and choose to apathetically and mercilessly kill anyway, as if insects were somehow lesser creatures than other animals, then I’m kind of worried.

/latenight

Time to vent

I was giving a campus tour today, when a bunch of guys in a group wearing shirts and ties went by and started booing and cursing at the families.

I initially wanted to curse them out. And then I decided that instead, I should just sit back and hope that they mature later on in life.

But fuck that. They can all go get fucked.

You’re in fucking college. You’re 20 fucking years old, and you’re acting like a 13 year old shithead. And the thing that bothers me most is that if you took any of these guys individually, every single one of them would be too fucking cowardly to pull some shit like that. But the moment they all get together in a big group, NOW they have confidence to act like a fucking piece of shit?

Fucking pussies. I’m going to make a psychological assessment and assume you derive your confidence from abandoning your individuality and blending in with your shitty group. And then instead of using that new found confidence to do good, you’re just going to act like a fuck and then giggle about it with each other afterwards.

Well you know what? I guess I really do hope you all grow up eventually and learn better. But if you get mugged, beat up, emotionally scarred, physically marred, etc. in the process, I guess I’m cool with that too.

I dont like to ever wish ill on other people.

But fuck all of you.

I think my fear of being disliked is holding me back

I understand that I’m surrounded by friends and family who love me dearly. But I still get anxious when I make decisions that could potentially result in someone else disliking me, especially authoritative figures like professors and doctors and other professionals.

There’s a constant battle within me, since I want to remain kind and nice to everyone I meet. I feel good when others feel good. But more importantly, I feel good when others like me.

It sounds like a childish problem to have. I know it’s not though. Maybe I should follow in my mom’s footsteps, since she’s someone who will start a fight with the whole fucking world, if it’s not giving her what she wants and feels like she deserves. I’m getting sick of my obedience to my own social paralysis.

/rusty writing, relevant issue

Just quit my research

After hearing that the head doctor running the study has a really bad impression of me, after several lapses on my part, I felt like this was the right option.

I don’t know if this is an honest realization of my limitations, or if I’m just running away though.

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